Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Hikayat Merong Maha Manusia

Masa sekolah dulu suka baca cerita penglipur lara, antaranya - Hikayat Merong Maha Wangsa, Awang Sulung Merah Muda, Hikayat Raja Muda , Hikayat Tuan Puteri Tujuh Beradik, Hikayat Dandan Setia dan lain-lain lagi. Cerita pulak berkisar mengenai istana dan pelaku utamanya ialah anak-anak raja semuanya. Kawan-kawan dok gelak depa ingat otak saya tak betul sebab suka baca buku-buku hikayat yang merapu dengan bahasa klasik yang sungguh klasik!

Alkisah sekali yang dipersetua ceritera dari yang ampunya ceritera maka adapun Merong Maha Manusia itu adalah penduduk dari negara antah berantah yang kemudiannya dinamakan Melayusia. Adapun setiap 5 tahun sekali diadakan pesta dan acara beradu tenaga untuk memilih pahlawan-pahlawan baru untuk memperkukuhkan pertahanan negara.

Arakian bila hampir menjelang 5 tahun, ramailah pahlawan-pahlawan dari seluruh pelusuk negara menawarkan diri untuk bertanding. Masing-masing dengan gaya dan kepandaian datang ke ibu negara mempamerkan diri - ada yang misai melenting yang menggerunkan orang, ada yang badan sendo macam Badang, mengangkat-angkat segala batu-batu besar dan batang kayu balak yang dah kena gergaji nak menunjukkan kegagahannya. Ada juga yang pandai berpidato, punya pidato sampai melentok rakyat yang mendengar, hinggakan termakanlah segala kata-kata mereka ( yang bermodalkan air liur ) tu! Pendek kata bermacam-macam ragam kepandaian mereka.

Bila tiba hari pemilihan, semua rakyat jelata, hina dina turun ke padang mengikut kebolehan masing-masing:

Yang capik datang bertongkat
Yang buta meniup lesung
Yang pekak membakar meriam
Yang baru operate jantung buat kerja ringan-ringan
yang baru buang cataract pakai cermin mata hitam

Pendek kata pelbagailah perilaku rakyat jelata!

Ada pun dalam pertandingan di kalangan pahlawan pula dikenakanlah syarat yang ketat:

Pihak yang menang, jangan pulak buat loktang dengan melompat-lompat macam kera, jangan melambung destar dan jangan membuka / mendabik dada ( kalau buat jugak kepala kena luku! ).....or face other consequences......

End of part 1

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Melah Serebeh

Macam mana pulak dengan Melah ( Ramlah ), pernah dia terkejut bangun tengah malam nak pergi bilik air, lalu dia nampak lembaga bermuka putih dalam cermin, dia menjerit tak terkira habis ayam satu reban terjaga. Rupa-rupanya dia nampak imej sendiri yang berbedak sejuk tebal 1/2", putih melepak nampak macam hant...

Melah tengah gelabah le ni, sebab tok laki dia asyik mengintai mak janda belakang rumah dia. Sebab tu muka sendiri ingat muka hantu - self esteem dia sudah merudum.....tok laki tak segan silu dok tengok perempuan lain.

Suatu hari dia terkejut besar bila Mek Yang ( Mariam ) datang ke rumahnya,

Melah!! BAkpe gak bila aku lalu depan rumah mu, mu gi dok gedegang tutup pintu?

Eh, Mek Yang...bila aku buat lagu tu ke mu?

Ek eleh, mu ingat aku dok tahu ke mu dok cemburu kat aku, mu ingat aku nok sangat kat laki mu? kalu aku nok nikoh pong, aku tok pilih Bedul perut boyot macam tempayan tu! Nok menapah pun semput-semput, napah kot idung lagi, napah kut mulut lagi, tercungap-cungap!

Doh kalu mu dok nok ngorak orang jatang, bakpe mu paka lawo-lawo? Bukang ke mu dalang iddah lagi?

Eh....aku bukan nok ngorak , aku nak buat Semang tu jadi sewel, biar dia menyesal cerai aku...

Mitok maahlah Mek Yang, aku saloh sangke!

Dok apelah, biarlah, aku dok maroh pong, cuma aku mari ni nok nasihat ke mu, bo lah dok berkemban gantung, kalu paka baju gak kaing ikat diluor, macam rumah tak siap!. Bukan Bedul je beci ngelih, aku pong malah nok tengok mu!

Mu pong kuat melawo, sapa Semang cemburu buta....cera ke mu dok dang-dok dang!

Ginilah Melah, le ni mu kena pakai molek sikit, pakai bedak, gicu, siap molek....eh, mu tahu dok? dok lame lagi YB Jemdin Gorgis nak balik jupa pengundi-pengundi, kang dok lame doh nok ngundi!

Doh ape kena mengena dengang aku?

Mu paka molek sikit, tak lama ada perjumpaan dan jamuan, gi lah campor orang sikit..buang-buanglah bedak sejuk tu, pakai Anvon pulak.....mari oder dengan aku!

Pada hari jamuan tu, Melah melawa sakan, pakai kebaya merah, tudung merah, pipi merah, bibir merah, pendek kata sedondon merah! Terkejut badak, terkejut beruk, terperanjat katak si Bedul tengok bini dia macam bintang felem!

Awak tu jangan pegi lama-lama sangat , Melah, banyak buaya-buaya kat luar tu! Abang tak suka orang ngorak bini abang!

Cik abang, you've got to shape up or ship out kali nih! ( Speaking habih Melah oiii! )

Bedul tersedak sakan, semput pun mari, malam tu dia landing di Hospital Desa bertemankan tong oksijen yang bersaiz torpedo!

Orang Rompin cakap slang Teganu! Le ni dok sibuk orang Rompin siap siaga nak PRU13! kaum ibu nampaknya sibuk ke sana ke mari, buat tu, buat ni, kaum pria belum nampak ape-ape lagi, mungkin kerja last minute kut! Tunggu signal dari Ketue Pemudenye, baru nak gerak!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Mat Lobo Yang Selobo

You know who is Mat Lobo yang selobo? he's a man who doesn't know how to dress up. All he owns is a few t shirts, colared and uncolared. He will regiously stick to his t shirt even though that's the day he wants to giveaway his daughter! People from the guy's side came with baju Melayu sedondon, he's with his t shirt that he bought in Golok a long time ago,one side of the colar up and the other side down..... buat muka toye!

He's so ugly and he's lucky his mother arranged his marriage, otherwise, he might be a confirmed bachelor! So , he still adopt his confirm bachelor behaviour, like to lepak ikut suka like a dead log, just throw away his wet towel anywhere he wants to, his mark and spender yang bercap buaya just stashed away under the bed! Ugghhh!


When his head is balding, he just pull his remnat hair from the back of his head and circle it on his crown...... cukur ajelah biar botak semua! he doesn't care if he is nearing 70, he just ignores the prayer time and concentrates on his x-rated films that he downloads from his laptop!

Sadly - recently he was sent to hospital after he slipped in the bathroom, unconscious. The next day he found out he was barbed with all the wires the hospital has! he can't move and he can't talk and he can't even swear .

So, the family took a rest from his @#$%^&* behaviour and leave him at the mercy of the near retiring nurses in that hospital!

Such a sad ending......

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Nok Bedil?

Seronok dengar cerita orang hebat-hebat di tahun 1980an dulu. Waktu tu sapa-sapa ada lesen memiliki pistol atau memiliki pistol ( selain polis dan askar ) merupakan status simbol bagi seseorang. Mereka tu orang hebat, nampak hebat dan berlagak hebat. Pegi minum di hotel-hotel dan ada yang letak pistol atas meja masa minum-minum tu. Bila dah sedikit tipsy, mulalah buka temberang, salah sikit nak tembak orang - aku bedil kang - bedilnya tak pun, entah-entah pistol tu kosong aje! Tapi orang yang hebat begini hanya ada seorang berdua yang tertentu di negeri-negeri tertentu sahaja di Malaysia nih!

Di alaf baru ni pulak pistol tak main dah, tak rugged maa - kalu tersilap tembak, walaupun pakai peluru kapur akan jadi kes polis pulak! tambahan lagi la ni pistol dikaitkan dengan semua benda yang outlaw. Dan mereka yang outlaw tu bukan main acah-acah aje, depa tu tala betul-betul!

Banyak lagi benda lain orang boleh menunjuk sekarang ni. Macam-macam benda jadi status simbol mengikut keadaan masa dan tempat serta keegoan seseorang tu!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Now Everyone Can Fry

Bila ada tawaran naik kapal terbang tambang murah pi Alok Setaq seronok bukan main, kami pun sungguh teruja. Gembira sangat sebab Malaysia kita ni makmur - semua orang boleh terbang dah la ni, bak kata .......now everyone can fry...err..fly, weh!

Apa tak terujanya - rm 63 tambang kapal terbang ke Alor Setar dan rm 63 tambang balik ke KL. Dengan penuh ceria, rasakan macam syarikat kapal terbang tu tok nek kita punya, mulalah buat booking untuk 2 orang penerbangan pergi balik . Akhir sekali + + itu ini, caj tu caj ni - termasuk caj minyak kapal terbang sekali jumlah semua rm 582...aik? jauhnya lari!.

Jadi tang mana yang murah tu?

Tak taulah...... kecek banyok gak drive sendirilah kalu nok muroh ! Atau naik bas biasa pun boleh , executive coach pun ada, keretapi pun ada !

How about the lower back pain?

Saturday, May 7, 2011

To Operate Or Not To Operate.....the ailing heart!

Some said people should go to IJN, if they have heart problem. IJN has all the specialists and it is a real hospital with all the equipments as compared to other small hospitals ( demo kato!) Some argued IJN has long queue of patients and patients may die before their cases were attended! My opinion that even though there's a long queue , when there are between life and death cases, they will attend to the most serious cases first ( the doctors have to work overtime in such emergencies! ). My 74 years old cousin who smoked like a chimney and only eat rice if there is kuah lemak yang kaw habis meter all his life was diagnosed with acute blockage ( 12 of them altogether ) was transferred from local hospital to IJN and within a week he was operated upon and lives a healthy life now - far from the chimney and pokok kelapa!

Someone who was recommended by the doctors for open heart surgery, pleaded he wants to have a second opinion and to find other remedies ( ubat kampung ). I didn't know what the doctors told him , either you can take as much time as you want or if you die in the process we'll not be responsible!

Our other relative had an open heart surgery at 50. She told us her mother died of heart attack at that age. She remembered the symptoms was she suffered chin pain ( sakit tang dagu ) and she got that pain too, severe one!. Doctors prepared her for immediate operation, but she mintak tangguh until her husband came back from overseas ( in a few days time )she thought if she died, she wanted to die in front of her husband! Or let her husband see how she suffered, so he will love her more ( if she survived! ).

What if she had a stroke in that few days time? Allah saja yang mengetahui hidup mati seseorang. Now she lives happy ever after with her husband, children and grandchildren. And she takes the same medicine as her mother -in-law who went through two open heart surg , first when she was fifty ( signed by her husband ) the second one 10 years later ( it was about 25 yrs ago ) signed by herself. When the doctors told her and the family she had 50-50 chance to live - dia pun sign sendiri sebab tak tertahan sakit sangat ! she lives a healthy lady until today, at the age of 80++ .......insyaAllah semoga Allah panjangkan umur beliau dan disihatkan tubuh badannya, aamin!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Happenings In Jalan Delima



















Roses and carnations are the favourites















White orchids and green ferns........for the walkway......and for the arch.....

























......some fake ones










Relatives , neighbours and close friends.....



















........the master piece













Time to take five!

















Friends from near and far - came a gathering........

















The deep pink brightened the room













Moi and my dearest sister on me left and my
eldest daughter on me right - ready to attack cholesterol laden , oil dripping nasi minyak .............and the
weighing machine will scream with fear! Muahahaha......